Not to be like, too woe is me, but man, I'm pretty sure I could accomplish a lot in life, especially creatively, if I ever had the chance to enjoy financial stability.

Realizing I'll probably have to cut my time off short because I forgot my apartment insurance is due next month and I didn't account for that at all. I really shouldn't be taking this time off anyways but I need it.

I'm definitely not going to be able to afford to visit anyone this year either, I blew way too much on last year's trip. Gonna be a lonely year.

alas.

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Okay I'm Normal Now. Sorry about that.

Anyways my first task of my vacation is cleaning my kitchen. It's gotten so disorganized!! I've just kinda been throwing pots and pans Where They Should be and it's gotten cluttered. So I'm going to empty everything, clear out stuff that got shoved to the back I haven't used in like 5 years, and start the new year off on a good foot where I know what is what and what is where.

But now I have a bunch of garbage bags full in my apartment that need to be thrown out!!

"Why not just throw them out now?" You ask. Good question! The answer is the dumpster outside is full and pickup is delayed due to the holidays. It's not like I'm throwing out rotten food n stuff, so I'll just shove em aside and throw em out when it gets cleared out down there. It's just annoying, that's all, ya know? I hate obstacles in my groove.

I'm trying to eat better!! I want to eat vegetables every day and get my fiber in!! The next content may surprise you with that out of the way though!

I've finally learned to properly bread and fry stuff!! Yahoo!! I want to fancy up my life a bit more than just chucking meat in a pan and cooking it with some spices, so I've advanced to making pork cutlets n shit. Hell yeah. I learned how to make some damn good baked n breaded chicken like 15 years ago but then all that information left my brain teehee. It's easy!! It's fine!!!

I've been scooping up discount frozen meat and got a nice chunk of pork belly the other week! So let's bring in the new year by chopping that up and breading it for the week!

The most visible ones are balding a tiny bit in spots but are still covered... I was just running out of egg and bread crumbs and didn't want to crack open another for like two pieces!! Forgive me!

I assume I can freeze the extras... If not I'll cook em and freeze em or something! It's fine! None of it's going to waste baby!! That way I can focus on making sides to go with it, I need, VEGETABLES!!!! I have the bad habit of just eating one thing as a meal instead of like, a variety of things. I'm trying to improve.... I'll make cute bento lunches minus the bento box... some veggies, rice, pork cutlet... it sounds lovely. I will simply copy what I like to get at restaurants to encourage biodiversity in my home.

I'm outta oil though so I'm gonna see how these bad boys rock the air fryer. (And honestly I'd like to avoid frying in oil if I can that often, it's why I've avoided breading stuff in the past)

I wrote up this post as it was cooking lmao

I'm sorry I will never be able to take an appealing photo of food. I was cursed with this inability as a baby, it's true!

But it turned out really nice!! It got some nice crisped bready bits on the edge n everything! I think doing it in oil would be like, 10-20% better, but that's fine. It's not worth the oil calories for it lmao. I will be having a delicious home cooked lunch tomorrow!!! Yay!!!

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Happy New Year!!(Almost!)

This is the time I talk about plans for 2025 and whatnot, right?

Post writing this: Wrong, I started venting again so this is a big negative rambly post you should ignore. I just type this shit and don't proof read or edit it so it's just a fuckin mess. Someday I'll write something coherent and planned with structure and a point and sections and you'll be like wow how deep but not today. This is my blog and my void and I'll yell into it all I like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll write something nicer later.

For now I'm throwing out these negative words and hoping I can leave them behind when we move into 2025. Get trapped behind a timewall idiot.

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But you shouldn't talk about your goals and plans until you've put at least 30 days into making it work or even before completing it because you'll just get the satisfaction of doing it and not do it yada yada yada yada

I fucking hate that piece of advice. I feel it's one of the major reasons (among many) that I've grown up into such an emotionally stunted person who can't share themselves.

And let's be real, me not talking about what I'm currently focused on isn't going to make my chance of success any higher. It just means you haven't seen the other 80% of times I've set a goal and failed lmao.

At this point (creatively) I don't even know if I truly want to make anything... But I still feel trapped and like I can't talk about any my ocs or anything... I'll just rotate them in my brain for the rest of my life whatever.

URGGHHH BUT I DO WANNA MAKE STUFF... Maybe not anything with the shit I've been thinking about over the last 20 years but I do want to make SOMETHING! Or is it just expected of me to make stuff and thus I expect that of myself?? I get mad when any simple joe can pick up a pencil and write the trashiest shit yet I can't bring myself to do it!!! I'm a single celled organism below everyone else!! I can't make anything!!!

To grow a garden you need to till the soil, plant the seeds, and nurture them to their full potential. Sadly I got too mentally ill and poor to even afford the discount soil for that garden a long time ago and so have nothing to show for my years on this earth.

Whatever. I feel stuck in life, so I'm nitpicking issues to be mad at. I can be annoyed at my negative creativity or be annoyed at my lack of offline social life.

I have lots of friends online! Yay!! But monkey brain need real life human connection! I need to exist in the same room as someone occasionally!! In the last 6 months since I got home from vacation I saw my offline friends.... three times. One of those times we went to see a movie together and I only saw them for a few minutes before and after the movie, so like, it counts but, not much. I am shrimply too far away to see people and attempts at spontaneity get shot down in favour of grinding out more work so I've given up on them after being turned away during a real bad mental health spell early this year. Uwah.

Other than like, trips to the store or the times I see my sister or mother (because I need a drive some place aka more trips 2 da store but farther away editions) I just. Don't see people. I exist in my apartment bubble and communicate online. Cutting out social media would be good for me(I basically just socialize via discord, social media is bad for actually socializing) and I have cut it down quite a bit since my attempt previously but like, the more online stuff I cut out the more People I cut out. I don't like, have a room mate or anything to fill in that gap, ya know?

What's the solution? Make more offline friends? Buddy I don't know how to do that, and we loop back to my first greivance: my creativity issue.

I feel if I'm not creating then I have nothing in my life and nothing to talk about. Having nothing to talk about leads to being unable to talk to people about anything and thus being unable to forge bonds of mutual interest etc etc. I really just, like, work. A lot. And if I'm not working it's because I'm squeezing in discord friend time or I worked myself too hard and I'm unable to do shit and mad I can't spend time not working being productive and just rotting. Because I've dropped all my ingrained habits of doing artsy stuff in my downtime and it's a struggle to get those back and I haven't succeeded yet.

I put a lot of eggs into this "being a creative person who creates things!" bucket and sadly everything in there evaporated but left me a husk of a human being.

Being creative for me is a social activity, well, was a social activity, until it became my job. I like to make stuff and make people stuff but connect to them via the stuff I made but creativity can be, really isolating. You can't talk to people about your projects (you'll stop making them)(false but true but those people saying it obviously have people they talk to about it privately so maybe they should shut the fuck up) and you need to spend all your time working on and improving your craft to make something, anything. So instead of being out there trying to make real life friends (lmao where?) I'm still just, locked in my apartment engaging in solitary activities. For what? For what?

Uwaaaa

I'm just not good at talking to people... I'm worse at it every year... I'm walking deeper and deeper into the ocean and eventually my feet aren't going to touch the bottom anymore, ya know? I don't know what I want to create... I don't know what I want to do with my life... I don't know where I'm going. I don't know if 2025 is going to answer anything.

Fresh new look

I was gonna hold off posting until the new year, so this entire section would be January... but I finished sooner than I expected.

I've thrown all my previous blog posts in the archive under 2024.

I realized my previous setup was too annoying. Too constrained by my desire to have more than a blog but with no idea to put in there.

So this is how I'm handling things now! A single page per month, where I'll section off older posts under an expandable details thinger. You can click the Dec 30th at the top here to see how it works right now, wow!

I kept making a site and being like... ok let's make it like I'm going to have a whole lotta stuff here but actually I have no plans for that so fuck it. Blog first centric design! I'll add more later, when I wanna, if I wanna!

This is a bit rambly but... you get what I'm going on about!

No idea if this looks good on mobile... That's for future me!

Anyways I'm on vacation now. Staycation. I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything or really take the month off at all but I can pay rent next month and have a few bucks to put food in my fridge and that's all that matters! Either I take time off and wrack up my credit card just a bit more, or work through january and fucking explode and ruin my earning potential for the rest of the year hell yeah. SO BREAK TIME YAYYYYYY!!!!!!

See ya in the new year! Thanks for everything!

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